I came back into the house and sat down with Liz.
"How did that go?" She asked.
"Well, she told me she had a crush on me... And I didn't kiss her."
"Wowwwwwww.... That's.... Shocking."
"Thanks. But yeah... I love Sam, and I'm not doing this to her again..."
We woke up the next day and went about our usual day. Even though I stared temptation down in the face and told it to go fuck itself, it was tormenting me. There was just something about Sara that I couldn't stay away from. I had never felt temptation this strong before. To the point where if I did anything, it would still feel right. But I couldn't do this to Sam... I had already hurt her enough in the past, she would break if I did this again. I kept texting Sam when she would text me since she was camping, I wish that I could have just talked to her all day. I knew if I was talking to her, I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Liz and I decided that we were going to hang out again that night.
"Hey! Why don't we invite Sara along??"
Shit... I didn't want to say that. Why would I want Sara to come along again? I knew it was a bad idea, but it came out like word vomit, and the damage was done.
"Okay.. Let me call her."
Fuckin' Liz. Why can't you put your foot down? You know I'm going to do something stupid. Actually, no. I won't do anything stupid at all. Not this guy, this guy has turned over a new leaf and there's nothing you can do to stop me. I'm on the fast track to success and nothing's going to get into my way.
We went to go pick up Sara and life slammed the brakes. Instantly those evil gremlins of temptation came out of hiding and continued to taunt me. Okay, if I leave this at innocent flirting, no damage will be done.
We went to Soapstone with some friends and it seemed like every word that came out of Sara's mouth was magic, even her stupid laugh that she does.
"Why don't you guys spend the night at my house?" Sara said.
.............
"Yeah, we can all sleep in the basement and that way you don't have to drive home late, Jess."
............................................................
Fuck.
My.
Life.
"Sounds like a great plan!" I said
WAIT. WHY DID I SAY THAT? THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. QUICK, THINK OF SOMETHING TO GET OUT OF IT.
"Do you have a mattress I can sleep on for my back?"
GREAT, YOU REALLY FUCKED IT NOW. YOU JUST DUG YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.
I could hear Liz in the background making her PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT noises. I knew she hated me at that moment. She knows me way too well, she is my best friend and all. She wanted to rip my head off and shit on it. A part of me wished she would have because I knew that was a lot more appealing than the shit storm that was to come...
So we got back to Sara's house and we sneaked down into the basement. We were going to make Liz watch "Stephen King's It" because she had never seen it before and it was one of Sara and mine's favorite movies (don't you know we're like the exact same person?).
"Which mattress do you need to sleep on?" Sara asked.
"Um.... The softer one? I dunno."
"Oh okay, that's the big one that me and you can sleep on."
WOAH. WOAH. HOLD ON THERE. SAY WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF? YOU ARE A CUNT.
"Oh okay.... Liz, are you sure you don't wanna sleep with me instead?" I asked desperately.
"No, I don't like soft mattresses."
LIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. WHY?
"Oh, okay. Well then I guess it's me and you." I responded.
*****WARNING: If you're easily offended, stop reading until I say it's safe. If you actually stop reading this, then you're a pussy bitch.*****
We changed into our pajamas and turned off the lights about 20 minutes or so into the movie, it was getting late. I tried making myself as tired as possible. My heart was in my ass, my stomach was in my throat, one kidney was in my foot and the other in my brain. I was a mess. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep. Sara and I got on the mattress and before I went to lay down, I texted Sam that I missed her and I loved her...
Sara and I kept watching the movie, Liz had fallen asleep a little after we turned off the lights...
"I'm starting to fall asleep, do you mind if I turn this off?"
"No it's fine.." I responded.
(Author's note: My heart is in my throat as I'm typing this.)
We both laid down and tried to fall asleep... She was curled up on her side of the mattress and I was curled up on mine. I was wide awake. I couldn't stop tossing and turning. Butterflies were poking out of my stomach, which was still in my throat. I didn't know what to do. Do I leave a note and leave her note? Do I go and sleep in the laundry room? Maybe I should go sleep on the porch. I needed a cigarette, but it was 2 am so I couldn't sneak outside. I was stuck. I turned over to my side that was facing her and tried shutting my eyes. This is the part where I knew where I wasn't in control anymore. The train to success de-railed and landed in the river.
I inched closer and wrapped my arm around her. She didn't mind... So I started running my hand up and down her sides... Her skin was so soft, and she had these curves that you wouldn't believe. She still didn't mind.
At that point, all the butterflies flew away and I felt this sense of euphoria. It was intense. I felt like I was on the best percocet high, like I was a 12 year-old boy touching his first boob. I felt at peace for the first time that weekend.
My hands continued to travel, exploring new territory they've never explored before. I still couldn't get over how soft her skin was... I still couldn't get over how she wasn't stopping me. Why wasn't she stopping me? Did she feel the way that I feel? Or was she just crazy and knew that I couldn't resist, and she would be able to have me. Whatever it was, I went with it.
Needless to say, we didn't have sex that night, nor did we even kiss. Just some interesting exploring...
I fell asleep with my arm around her instantly. I finally felt at peace.
And then, I woke up...
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
They'll build a statue after us...
After the night of the party, I went back to trying to resume my own life but it wasn't that easy. I kept on wondering what I felt after that kiss, and why I felt it. I knew that I loved Sam, that I was in love with Sam, and wanted to be with Sam. I shrugged it off and tried to believe that it was just my flirtatious personality, and my love for exploring the unknown. But I still wanted to get to know her, she was just so fascinating to me and I had this feeling that there was something there to be found, something about her that I was supposed to find out about.
A week or two after the party, Sam and her family went on vacation for the weekend. I was going to miss her of course but I figured this gave me time to spend time with my friends. Liz, of course, was one of the first people to come to mind. While pondering what we were going to do, Sara came into conversation and we decided to invite her along.
God only knows what can happen in the matter of three days.
The weekend started off innocently enough; Liz, Sara, and I were going to have a great time and just fuck around and have fun. Of course there was still this constant temptation to stir up the feelings that were discovered the night of that party, but I missed Sam, and I kept that in my mind for as long as I could.
Friday night we ended up meeting up with some of my other friends. We decided to go to near-by Lake Congamond, so we would at least have somewhere to hang around and do nothing. Liz, Sara, and I went in a separate car and decided to meet them there. On the drive there we were all just joking around, and talking about random shit. One of the discussions that came up was a discussion about our favorite type of disgusting YouTube videos. Liz talked about compound fractures and Sara mentioned the videos where people have these ridiculous boils or growths and they pop them, one of my favorites of course. Of course I had to mention my all time favorites, bot fly extraction. Most people aren't aware of what a bot fly is, let alone what it does when it lays eggs insides someone's skin. As Liz asked "What's that?", Sara went "Oh. My. God." I should have known it was the end from there.
We got to Lake Congamond and continued our ridiculous conversations from there. You know those moments in the movies where there's a group of people talking but your brain tunes out everyone except one person that you're really fixated on? Yeah, it was sort of like that. I kept on repeating to myself that whatever this is, it will pass. That I couldn't do this to Sam again, I've put her through enough. I kept struggling, but I was determined I'd make it through.
After awhile, we got sick of Lake Congamond and we all decided to head back to my friend's house. When we got there, it all started out innocently enough. We were all just joking and laughing and having a great time. Then, the worst conversation came up into topic; sex. My vice, my weakness, my kryptonite. We started talking about our fetishes and other things and one of my friends, Pete, said that he was turned on by squirters. (For all of you that don't know what a squirter is, look it up.) I hear giggling from the background, I look and before I could even predict it, Sara blurts out "Well, that's funny. I'm one." "FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!", I scream out. Everybody in the room starts cracking up. For people that know me, one of my life long goals was to sleep with a squirter. Also, everybody in that room could feel the sexual tension and frustration between me and Sara all night long. "Oh God." I heard Kym say, she was right. Oh God indeed. The talk continued, I found out Sara is a masochist, I'm a sadist. She was the M to my S. But I kept on trying to ignore my growing feelings of lust and tried to suppress the butterflies from flying straight out of my mouth.
We all noticed it was close to 5 am and we decided to go our seperate ways for the night. Liz and Sara came back to my house with me, they were going to spend the night since it was so late and I didn't want Sara driving around with no sleep. We get back to my place and Sara announces that she thinks it's a good idea if she heads back home. "Why?", I asked. "I have work tomorrow and I just need to get home." I knew it was bullshit.
"Well I at least insist on walking you to your car."
"No, that's okay. Stay here."
Hmmmm...
"No seriously, I'm walking you to your car regardless."
She admitted defeat and let me walk her to her car. I walked outside with her and I told her that I had a great time with her and Liz tonight. "I have a crush on you." Time. Fucking. Froze. "....Excuse me?" "I didn't want to tell you, that's why I didn't want you walking me to the car. You have a girlfriend, I'm really sorry. Forget this ever happened. I feel better just telling you and never mentioning it ever again." I didn't know what to say, my mind was on speed and nothing made sense, but did at the same time. So I did what I do best, "Well I can't blame you. A lot of people have a thing for me. You're just one of the many." She smiled, giggled, and looked away. (Who ever knew that three of the most simplest actions would be so adorable?) "If you have a crush on me, it won't stop me from being your friend." I didn't want to lose her. If I was single at that exact moment, I would have bent her over the hood of that car and fucked her underneath the rising sun for my entire neighborhood to see. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. She smiled and said "Thanks. I'll see you soon. And remember, forget this ever happened." I agreed, I hugged her and sent her on her way. I accomplished something that night. I stared temptation down in the face and I said "FUCK YOU I WIN."
Or so I thought.
A week or two after the party, Sam and her family went on vacation for the weekend. I was going to miss her of course but I figured this gave me time to spend time with my friends. Liz, of course, was one of the first people to come to mind. While pondering what we were going to do, Sara came into conversation and we decided to invite her along.
God only knows what can happen in the matter of three days.
The weekend started off innocently enough; Liz, Sara, and I were going to have a great time and just fuck around and have fun. Of course there was still this constant temptation to stir up the feelings that were discovered the night of that party, but I missed Sam, and I kept that in my mind for as long as I could.
Friday night we ended up meeting up with some of my other friends. We decided to go to near-by Lake Congamond, so we would at least have somewhere to hang around and do nothing. Liz, Sara, and I went in a separate car and decided to meet them there. On the drive there we were all just joking around, and talking about random shit. One of the discussions that came up was a discussion about our favorite type of disgusting YouTube videos. Liz talked about compound fractures and Sara mentioned the videos where people have these ridiculous boils or growths and they pop them, one of my favorites of course. Of course I had to mention my all time favorites, bot fly extraction. Most people aren't aware of what a bot fly is, let alone what it does when it lays eggs insides someone's skin. As Liz asked "What's that?", Sara went "Oh. My. God." I should have known it was the end from there.
We got to Lake Congamond and continued our ridiculous conversations from there. You know those moments in the movies where there's a group of people talking but your brain tunes out everyone except one person that you're really fixated on? Yeah, it was sort of like that. I kept on repeating to myself that whatever this is, it will pass. That I couldn't do this to Sam again, I've put her through enough. I kept struggling, but I was determined I'd make it through.
After awhile, we got sick of Lake Congamond and we all decided to head back to my friend's house. When we got there, it all started out innocently enough. We were all just joking and laughing and having a great time. Then, the worst conversation came up into topic; sex. My vice, my weakness, my kryptonite. We started talking about our fetishes and other things and one of my friends, Pete, said that he was turned on by squirters. (For all of you that don't know what a squirter is, look it up.) I hear giggling from the background, I look and before I could even predict it, Sara blurts out "Well, that's funny. I'm one." "FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!", I scream out. Everybody in the room starts cracking up. For people that know me, one of my life long goals was to sleep with a squirter. Also, everybody in that room could feel the sexual tension and frustration between me and Sara all night long. "Oh God." I heard Kym say, she was right. Oh God indeed. The talk continued, I found out Sara is a masochist, I'm a sadist. She was the M to my S. But I kept on trying to ignore my growing feelings of lust and tried to suppress the butterflies from flying straight out of my mouth.
We all noticed it was close to 5 am and we decided to go our seperate ways for the night. Liz and Sara came back to my house with me, they were going to spend the night since it was so late and I didn't want Sara driving around with no sleep. We get back to my place and Sara announces that she thinks it's a good idea if she heads back home. "Why?", I asked. "I have work tomorrow and I just need to get home." I knew it was bullshit.
"Well I at least insist on walking you to your car."
"No, that's okay. Stay here."
Hmmmm...
"No seriously, I'm walking you to your car regardless."
She admitted defeat and let me walk her to her car. I walked outside with her and I told her that I had a great time with her and Liz tonight. "I have a crush on you." Time. Fucking. Froze. "....Excuse me?" "I didn't want to tell you, that's why I didn't want you walking me to the car. You have a girlfriend, I'm really sorry. Forget this ever happened. I feel better just telling you and never mentioning it ever again." I didn't know what to say, my mind was on speed and nothing made sense, but did at the same time. So I did what I do best, "Well I can't blame you. A lot of people have a thing for me. You're just one of the many." She smiled, giggled, and looked away. (Who ever knew that three of the most simplest actions would be so adorable?) "If you have a crush on me, it won't stop me from being your friend." I didn't want to lose her. If I was single at that exact moment, I would have bent her over the hood of that car and fucked her underneath the rising sun for my entire neighborhood to see. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. She smiled and said "Thanks. I'll see you soon. And remember, forget this ever happened." I agreed, I hugged her and sent her on her way. I accomplished something that night. I stared temptation down in the face and I said "FUCK YOU I WIN."
Or so I thought.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Meeting a Katydid
What is a Katydid you might ask? Normally a Katydid is a type of cricket but to me a Katydid isn't a cricket, or even an insect. A Katydid to me isn't an it, it's a person. A specific person named Sara.
"Let the fireflies go and let the Katydid in."
These are the words I should have listened to, but never did. Too afraid of people's criticism and reactions. This is the past five months of my life, out in the open for the world to read about. I'm the type of person to hide and never open up, I guess this is a great way to break the habit. I'm going to keep all the pictures that are relevant to my story in chronological order. Due to certain circumstances, that might not be possible but I will label pictures and what they are relevant to.
I met Sara on June 6th, 2010. Funny thing is that I thought of this idea coincidentally on December 6th, 2010. Happy anniversary, if you ever read this. We met through my best friend, Liz. It wasn't too long before we found out we had something in common, we were both flirtatious and promiscuous. I was immediately attracted to Sara, even though she wasn't my normal cup of tea. There was just something about her that made me want to get to know her, even on just the first day of meeting her.
At first, everything started off innocent enough. I was single at the time and I would always flirt with her whenever I saw her. She would always giggle, blush, and look away. She said it was her signature response when anyone flirts with her, I always thought it was adorable. We never saw each other alone though, we always saw each other when there were others around. I remember the night that Liz, Sara, and I were driving around and for some reason, personal massagers came into conversation. I look at Sara and say "Hey Sara, know what's a good personal massager? A LESBIAN." She did her normal giggle, blush, and look away response. Little did she know that this lesbian wanted to be her personal massager, for at least one night. I tried numerous times to drop hints but to no avail, so I gave up, especially since my ex and I were rekindling our relationship.
About a month goes by before I really see Sara again. The night I did see her again though, she was having a party at her house, of course alcohol was involved. For some particular reason though, my night was starting off pretty shitty. I had a car full of people and I was completely silent on the way there. My friends and girlfriend, Sam, left me alone and when we got there, they all went inside and gave me my space. As I sat outside alone, waiting for someone to come ask me what's wrong, Sara comes outside with Zeke, her adorable hedgehog. "They told me not to come outside, they said you would yell at me. But who can resist a hedgehog?" That's when I started to fall for her. Even though I have a reputation for being an intimidating, tall, scary lesbian, she didn't care. She still came outside just to see if I was okay. Which is usually what I want when I get into those moods, just to know that I'm not alone. Little did I know that moment was going to foreshadow big parts of Sara and I falling for each other.
We went inside after talking for a few minutes and I start drinking. Like a normal person, I become a huge flirt when I'm drinking and I don't exactly do the smartest things. During a game of Kings, Sara gets up to refill her drink. As she was walking by, I grabbed her by the shirt and kissed her. I felt something. I knew it wasn't because I was under the influence, I knew something had just been kick started. She was taken aback by it. She did her normal blush/giggle/look-a-way deal. Sam just sat there said "Well that's my girlfriend." She just thought that I was being my normal flirtatious self, and so did I, up until that kiss....
Monday, December 6, 2010
My Story
Hello there,
This is my first time dedicating myself to a blog. This blog to me is a sense to get closure from a heartbreaking situation I've just been through. More details are to come in the next post, this is just the introductory that I wanted to get out of the way. A few things about me: I'm 19 years old, I plan on going to art school for photography, I'm a chick, a lesbian, punk is my favorite music but I listen to a lot of everything, and I'm crazy. Not in the "Woooo look at me do crazy shit, I'm fucking crazy!!!" way but in the "My brain doesn't work right" way. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ODD in the past but I'm not entirely sure what diagnoses still apply.
The reason why I want to become a photographer is to help other people. That might not make sense to some of you, but bear with me here. Like I said in the previous paragraph, I have been diagnosed with those mental problems before. My problems never went away with medication or intensive therapy. My brain is too complicated to explain to someone else completely so I've learned how to deal. The only thing that really seemed to help me, besides the support of my family and friends, is my photography. I learned that I could set up some type of shoot that mimics the emotions that were going through my head. When I was struggling with self-mutilation and trying to stop, I took pictures of bloody razorblades and tools rather than seeing the bloody razor blade in real life. It might sound a bit mental, but it helped me a lot.
Then there was also the therapeutic aspect of going out to take pictures. Earlier on, I was very interested in landscape photography. Mostly in wooded areas. I used to go out to the woods near my house and spend hours going around and taking pictures of the water flowing down the stream or remains of the gun-powder factory that exploded years and years ago. When I was going through a hard time, I'd go shooting until sunset and come back with a clear mind and great pictures. It gave me a healthy escape and it gave me a sense of self-worth, two things that I had never had prior to picking up a camera.
It was shorty after using this coping skill that I realized something, I had potential to do something great with photography. My dream has always been to at least help one person who is going through a rough time in their life and maybe even momentarily can see one of my pictures and read a small portion of my story and feel like they're not alone. I know that I have the skills and the tools to do it so here I am.
This blog is going to be about a specific subject, one that many of you can relate to. A recent heartbreak, but not your run of the mill heartbreak. For the next however long, I will be sharing with you pictures of special areas that me and this girl have been to and stories. Even though I've lost her, I never want to lose the memories. Maybe if one of you is struggling with a recent heartbreak, or even a recent loss, maybe this blog will be able to help you.
Just as a warning, there will be a variation of emotions witnessed in this blog. Explicit language will definitely be used and some content may make viewers out there blush. You have been forewarned. Feel free to post feedback, comments, your stories, anything.
I honestly don't know where this blog is going to lead me, if this blog only has 5 followers, that's okay with me. At least I know that 5 people thought that what I'm doing is legit.
See you next post, the next post will give you background information to this crazy, random happenstance.
- Jess
This is my first time dedicating myself to a blog. This blog to me is a sense to get closure from a heartbreaking situation I've just been through. More details are to come in the next post, this is just the introductory that I wanted to get out of the way. A few things about me: I'm 19 years old, I plan on going to art school for photography, I'm a chick, a lesbian, punk is my favorite music but I listen to a lot of everything, and I'm crazy. Not in the "Woooo look at me do crazy shit, I'm fucking crazy!!!" way but in the "My brain doesn't work right" way. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ODD in the past but I'm not entirely sure what diagnoses still apply.
The reason why I want to become a photographer is to help other people. That might not make sense to some of you, but bear with me here. Like I said in the previous paragraph, I have been diagnosed with those mental problems before. My problems never went away with medication or intensive therapy. My brain is too complicated to explain to someone else completely so I've learned how to deal. The only thing that really seemed to help me, besides the support of my family and friends, is my photography. I learned that I could set up some type of shoot that mimics the emotions that were going through my head. When I was struggling with self-mutilation and trying to stop, I took pictures of bloody razorblades and tools rather than seeing the bloody razor blade in real life. It might sound a bit mental, but it helped me a lot.
Then there was also the therapeutic aspect of going out to take pictures. Earlier on, I was very interested in landscape photography. Mostly in wooded areas. I used to go out to the woods near my house and spend hours going around and taking pictures of the water flowing down the stream or remains of the gun-powder factory that exploded years and years ago. When I was going through a hard time, I'd go shooting until sunset and come back with a clear mind and great pictures. It gave me a healthy escape and it gave me a sense of self-worth, two things that I had never had prior to picking up a camera.
It was shorty after using this coping skill that I realized something, I had potential to do something great with photography. My dream has always been to at least help one person who is going through a rough time in their life and maybe even momentarily can see one of my pictures and read a small portion of my story and feel like they're not alone. I know that I have the skills and the tools to do it so here I am.
This blog is going to be about a specific subject, one that many of you can relate to. A recent heartbreak, but not your run of the mill heartbreak. For the next however long, I will be sharing with you pictures of special areas that me and this girl have been to and stories. Even though I've lost her, I never want to lose the memories. Maybe if one of you is struggling with a recent heartbreak, or even a recent loss, maybe this blog will be able to help you.
Just as a warning, there will be a variation of emotions witnessed in this blog. Explicit language will definitely be used and some content may make viewers out there blush. You have been forewarned. Feel free to post feedback, comments, your stories, anything.
I honestly don't know where this blog is going to lead me, if this blog only has 5 followers, that's okay with me. At least I know that 5 people thought that what I'm doing is legit.
See you next post, the next post will give you background information to this crazy, random happenstance.
- Jess
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