Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"I knew she was a liar, ever since day one."
We finally made it to sleep, after the night that we had shared. I couldn't tell you what I dreamed about, I didn't dream. Dreaming for me is no escape from reality from me. Dreaming is my personal hell. My dreams are where my thoughts and memories lay. They're nothing but pain. For one night I was able to escape from all of my pain. Not tormented by my thoughts, not being overwhelmed by my true feelings, it was neat.
"Morning babe."
I jumped out of my bed
"Hey babe.... You're here early."
You would think it was a dream, this is just my reality.
"I just got back, I wanted to drop off my stuff before I went to work."
I pushed Sam out of the room as quick as I could. Maybe she wouldn't notice that Sara was in the bed with me, maybe she would think it was someone else. Maybe she would think it was just a shadow, a pillow under the sheets...
Who the fuck am I kidding? Sam isn't retarded.
"Oh okay, I missed you."
"Right, I gotta go. I'll see you after work. Love you."
"Love you too babe..."
A quick peck on the lips and she left.
I watched her walk out of the house and get back into the car. I wish I could say something like "I felt so guilty that I wanted to slit my wrists right there to show her how sorry and stupid I was," but the truth is I didn't. I didn't really feel much of anything. I went back into my room and laid back in bed with Sara.
"....Was that Sam?"
"I'll deal with it in the morning."
"Do you think she knows?"
"No, she doesn't. Let's go back to sleep."
Liar. You know she does. She knows the way you work, she knows when shits going down.
It's just easier to play stupid. If you make yourself believe she doesn't know you're hurting her, maybe she won't have to find out. They say if you tell yourself something enough, you'll believe it. No matter how much of a lie it is, no matter how destructive.
So let's clear something up right now, I know I've hurt people. I know I've lied, I know I've manipulated, I know I'm as destructive as wrecking ball full of red phosphorous. The past (almost) six months and counting have been years of karma building up. I hope all of those that I've hurt know that I'm sorry but the person that I owe the biggest apology to is myself.
"Wow, what a conceited bitch," you might say.
If you think about it, the people that I hurt will eventually get over me. They'll say "Oh Jess Vaughn? Yeah she fucked me over. But it's whatever. We're cool now." I'll be the one who will reminisce and go "Oh that one time I was dating so and so and then I slept with that one chick?" and I sit there. And I think to myself, "Wow, I'm a dumb bitch." I've been told constantly that I'm "real" and I'm this person that everyone can relate to because I'm such an open book.
Sorry guys, most of you that "know me" will never know "me." Don't take it personally, you wouldn't like me if you met me. There's only been a few people who have gotten to know the real "me." One of those people doesn't talk to me anymore. The other few, I'm not sure why they're still around. The people that "know me" know a piece of me, little pieces that all culminate into one, so don't worry. I'm not pulling a Henry Rollins, (see: Liar, Rollins Band. Great song, great video. Might make you burst into tears or might make you laugh, depending who you are.)
Why can't I be "me?" I'm not sure, but it does suck. I feel like I'm someone else to all these different people, since I can't be just "me." I wonder who would still be here, and who wouldn't be if I was myself.
I've always felt like I have to watch my back, watch what I say to certain people, since any one could blow my cover at any time. I've always had to play Mr. Nice Guy to the people who I wanted to throw off a goddamn building because of my lies. I've lost people who mean a lot to me because of my lies. I make myself physically sick to my stomach because of my lies. I've made myself suffer, like my chest gets stabbed 37 times in the chest because of my lies.
Because of my lies, other people make it out stronger in the long run. They've moved on and they're happy. It makes me feel great to see them happy (it doesn't count when you're pretending.) But I am envious, I don't know the last time I've been truly happy. The past few years of my life have been great, if you don't count in the constant lies.
So I'm sorry, self. Maybe one day we'll make it through. Maybe one day we'll let our-self be happy.
Making myself happy... Someone told me to finally let myself be happy... Wonder what happened to them.
"Morning babe."
I jumped out of my bed
"Hey babe.... You're here early."
You would think it was a dream, this is just my reality.
"I just got back, I wanted to drop off my stuff before I went to work."
I pushed Sam out of the room as quick as I could. Maybe she wouldn't notice that Sara was in the bed with me, maybe she would think it was someone else. Maybe she would think it was just a shadow, a pillow under the sheets...
Who the fuck am I kidding? Sam isn't retarded.
"Oh okay, I missed you."
"Right, I gotta go. I'll see you after work. Love you."
"Love you too babe..."
A quick peck on the lips and she left.
I watched her walk out of the house and get back into the car. I wish I could say something like "I felt so guilty that I wanted to slit my wrists right there to show her how sorry and stupid I was," but the truth is I didn't. I didn't really feel much of anything. I went back into my room and laid back in bed with Sara.
"....Was that Sam?"
"I'll deal with it in the morning."
"Do you think she knows?"
"No, she doesn't. Let's go back to sleep."
Liar. You know she does. She knows the way you work, she knows when shits going down.
It's just easier to play stupid. If you make yourself believe she doesn't know you're hurting her, maybe she won't have to find out. They say if you tell yourself something enough, you'll believe it. No matter how much of a lie it is, no matter how destructive.
So let's clear something up right now, I know I've hurt people. I know I've lied, I know I've manipulated, I know I'm as destructive as wrecking ball full of red phosphorous. The past (almost) six months and counting have been years of karma building up. I hope all of those that I've hurt know that I'm sorry but the person that I owe the biggest apology to is myself.
"Wow, what a conceited bitch," you might say.
If you think about it, the people that I hurt will eventually get over me. They'll say "Oh Jess Vaughn? Yeah she fucked me over. But it's whatever. We're cool now." I'll be the one who will reminisce and go "Oh that one time I was dating so and so and then I slept with that one chick?" and I sit there. And I think to myself, "Wow, I'm a dumb bitch." I've been told constantly that I'm "real" and I'm this person that everyone can relate to because I'm such an open book.
Sorry guys, most of you that "know me" will never know "me." Don't take it personally, you wouldn't like me if you met me. There's only been a few people who have gotten to know the real "me." One of those people doesn't talk to me anymore. The other few, I'm not sure why they're still around. The people that "know me" know a piece of me, little pieces that all culminate into one, so don't worry. I'm not pulling a Henry Rollins, (see: Liar, Rollins Band. Great song, great video. Might make you burst into tears or might make you laugh, depending who you are.)
Why can't I be "me?" I'm not sure, but it does suck. I feel like I'm someone else to all these different people, since I can't be just "me." I wonder who would still be here, and who wouldn't be if I was myself.
I've always felt like I have to watch my back, watch what I say to certain people, since any one could blow my cover at any time. I've always had to play Mr. Nice Guy to the people who I wanted to throw off a goddamn building because of my lies. I've lost people who mean a lot to me because of my lies. I make myself physically sick to my stomach because of my lies. I've made myself suffer, like my chest gets stabbed 37 times in the chest because of my lies.
Because of my lies, other people make it out stronger in the long run. They've moved on and they're happy. It makes me feel great to see them happy (it doesn't count when you're pretending.) But I am envious, I don't know the last time I've been truly happy. The past few years of my life have been great, if you don't count in the constant lies.
So I'm sorry, self. Maybe one day we'll make it through. Maybe one day we'll let our-self be happy.
Making myself happy... Someone told me to finally let myself be happy... Wonder what happened to them.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Who do I think I am? Running around leaving scars, collecting my jar of hearts.
And the rest of the night presumed, one of the great things about my newfound “friendship” with Sara is that we had found a third person who seemed to be able to keep up with the crazy antics that Liz and I always brought. Even though my heart and my mind were at war with each other, it was easy to disconnect when we were all hanging out, because it’s easy to disconnect from the world when you’re around people who like to pretend that it doesn’t exist.
You know how they say that first kiss with that “special someone” is one of the most magical moments that you’ll ever experience? With Sara, it was sort of like that. I knew that kissing her also opened a Pandora’s Box. (Side note, I’m listening to Pandora Radio as I type this entry. Ha. Ha.) I still wish to this day that I could keep reliving that moment over and over because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have such a life altering moment again.
We were acting like little kids after we picked Liz up. Giggling and smiling, gross cute shit like that. Now if I was a normal person, and a decent human being with a soul, I could have been a little more open about things, maybe could have even gotten a few other kisses and it wouldn’t have been so frowned upon. But no, I have to make things difficult, for myself and for everyone around me (I could also join this elite club called “The People with Souls” Club, maybe.)
I’d be lying if I said that apart of me didn’t love the rush. A part of me loved leading a “double-life.” I loved the idea of having a secret. That part of me didn’t see a problem with having a girlfriend and sneaking around and getting some on the side. Which is why in the beginning I saw my thing with Sara as just a “thing” and she didn’t mean anything special to me, and tried to get those around me to believe it (Sorry.)
It was getting late, Liz decided that she was going to sleep over, which was fine and dandy, I loved it when Liz slept over. We’d stay up until 5 am and act like douche bags (not like we didn’t normally do that anyways, it’s just funnier when you’re overtired.)
“Hey, why doesn’t Sara sleep over too?” I said
…
Well, there I go again, opening my mouth. Making my own life more difficult than it has to be.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Crap.
We got back to my house and we were all going to sleep.
“I’ll sleep in the guest room.” I said. Good. I can’t fuck up this way.
“No, I’ll sleep in the guest room.” Said Liz.
LIZZZZZZZ. WHYYYYY.
“You have a bad back, I’d feel bad if you slept on that shitty pull out futon.”
“Uhh, I guess. That’s fine.”
“Or I can sleep in the guest room.” Said Sara.
Phew, crisis adverted.
“No, I like sleeping on the futon, I’ll go.”
-SLAM-
It was about 3 am as Sara and I went into my room to go to sleep. We tried keeping things as neutral as possible. Talking about life, deep philosophical shit like that.
Then came on the subject of what had happened.
“You know, I understand you.” She said.
“What do you mean?”
“I understand why you are the way you are. You’re just a fucked up girl looking for her own piece of mind. You try and make everyone but yourself happy and you love Sam, obviously. That’s why you try and make things work with her. And a part of you wants it to work, but it’s just not there. But you see how she is when you’re not with her, and you love her too much to not feel loved.”
Wow. Well then.
“I guess, I don’t know. I just feel like shit whenever shit like this happens.”
“It’s bound to happen, it’s just a Teenage Wasteland. Things won’t be the same forever.”
She was right, no they won’t.
I looked at the clock; it was 5:20 in the morning. The sun was shining through the blinds. I leant in and we kissed. And we kissed. And things got more intense. My mind was spinning, my heart was racing. I flipped her over and pinned her on the bed. I moved down and started kissing her neck. Her nails dug into my back, her body started to tense…
About a half an hour later, we were fast asleep. Her body was wrapped around mine, her head lying on my shoulder. And it was the first time in awhile I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
And if you're ever at rock bottom, just remember there's someone out there that loves you more deeply than you can ever imagine.
Any other normal person would have kept their distance after that night. I, on the other hand, was still determined that I could keep a normal friendship, for once.
But lets be honest here, I couldn't stay away from her. I didn't want to. I never did. I wanted to be close to her, there was just something about her that I know would make me go crazy.
And I was sooooooo right about that.
But lets be honest here, I couldn't stay away from her. I didn't want to. I never did. I wanted to be close to her, there was just something about her that I know would make me go crazy.
And I was sooooooo right about that.
So during one of my days off, I texted her and asked her what she was doing after work. She said that she was getting out early and that she would love to hang out. She came by my house to pick me up, something I'm not used to since I'm usually the only one with a license, and proceeded to go back to her house. She wanted to take me somewhere called the Granville Gorge. It reminded me of those times that I used to go down to the river near my house and take pictures so I was psyched to go. I thought that I was just going to find another place to take great pictures. Turns out it was going to mark the spot where it started a new chapter in the rest of my life.
When we got to the Gorge and started walking towards the water, I was in awe. There was no one there and it was just so quiet and serene. It was a little chunk of paradise. We scaled the rocky water and talked about everything and anything. Even after just being with her, alone, for an hour I felt like I've known her for years. The instant connection was overwhelming, I realized I was in trouble.
I couldn't stop staring at her when she was in front of me. I kept on getting lost in her eyes every time I'd look at her face to face. I just wanted to keep hearing her talk, the sound of her voice was so mesmerizing. I just wanted to grab her and kiss her. But I knew that I couldn't do that to Sam, not again. The feelings were so overwhelming that I just wanted to break-down and cry.
It was starting to get dark really fast, we didn't realize it but two hours had past since we've been there. We decided it was a good idea to get going before it got too dark to get back to the car. I went to grab my sneakers but it was too dark to see which tree I left them nearby. "Fuck! I can't find my goddamn shoes. That shit just cost me $60.00!" Sara looked at me and said "Don't worry, I'll find them." Even in the almost complete darkness, she scaled those rocks with precision and ease. I couldn't help but watch in fascination. I looked over briefly to a large rock that I was standing near-by and automatically thought of how badly I wanted to grab her and fuck her on that rock. I know, I'm quite the romantic. Twenty minutes or so pass and I told her that we should just give up and I can always come back later with a flash light to find them, but she was persistent. I kept on trying to convince her that it was hopeless and how we should ---- "I FOUND THEM!" she yelled out. I was speechless. I'm not the type of person to be "woo-ed" but for the first time, I think I kind of was. All I could say is "I don't know how I can repay you.. I owe you one."
We left and kept talking, talking about our lives and what type of music we like. Just the normal stuff. Little did she know though, I was freaking out. I was petrified of these feelings. I knew that this WASN'T going to end well. But goddamit, I have a problem. We got back to her house and we changed into not-Gorge water-soaked clothes and went on our way to get Liz. Since we had left the Gorge, I couldn't stop telling her "I don't know how I can repay you." She said don't worry about it. I still wanted to grab her and kiss her. It was the only thing on my mind. I was driving on the highway and I couldn't stop staring at her lips. How badly I wanted them pressed against mine. I didn't want her to see me so frustrated. I kept my calm facade and focused on driving as much as I could.
We got to Liz's driveway and I put the car in park. I knew that if I made eye contact with her it wouldn't end well. I told her to call Liz and tell her that we were outside. Liz said she'd be out in a few minutes. Fuck, Liz. I looked up at her and I'm instantly hooked. "I figured out a way to pay you back." I leaned over and I kissed her. Time stopped. That feeling I had at the party came back, but this time with a vengeance. My heart felt like it was racing and it felt like it stopped at the exact same time. I pulled away and smiled. She sat there, speechless, with the biggest grin on her face. Liz came outside and Sara yelled "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" I couldn't help but laugh and smile some more. Liz got in the car and we drove off.
I know she wished that she could have missed that first kiss.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
And these scars remind me that the past is real...
I came back into the house and sat down with Liz.
"How did that go?" She asked.
"Well, she told me she had a crush on me... And I didn't kiss her."
"Wowwwwwww.... That's.... Shocking."
"Thanks. But yeah... I love Sam, and I'm not doing this to her again..."
We woke up the next day and went about our usual day. Even though I stared temptation down in the face and told it to go fuck itself, it was tormenting me. There was just something about Sara that I couldn't stay away from. I had never felt temptation this strong before. To the point where if I did anything, it would still feel right. But I couldn't do this to Sam... I had already hurt her enough in the past, she would break if I did this again. I kept texting Sam when she would text me since she was camping, I wish that I could have just talked to her all day. I knew if I was talking to her, I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Liz and I decided that we were going to hang out again that night.
"Hey! Why don't we invite Sara along??"
Shit... I didn't want to say that. Why would I want Sara to come along again? I knew it was a bad idea, but it came out like word vomit, and the damage was done.
"Okay.. Let me call her."
Fuckin' Liz. Why can't you put your foot down? You know I'm going to do something stupid. Actually, no. I won't do anything stupid at all. Not this guy, this guy has turned over a new leaf and there's nothing you can do to stop me. I'm on the fast track to success and nothing's going to get into my way.
We went to go pick up Sara and life slammed the brakes. Instantly those evil gremlins of temptation came out of hiding and continued to taunt me. Okay, if I leave this at innocent flirting, no damage will be done.
We went to Soapstone with some friends and it seemed like every word that came out of Sara's mouth was magic, even her stupid laugh that she does.
"Why don't you guys spend the night at my house?" Sara said.
.............
"Yeah, we can all sleep in the basement and that way you don't have to drive home late, Jess."
............................................................
Fuck.
My.
Life.
"Sounds like a great plan!" I said
WAIT. WHY DID I SAY THAT? THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. QUICK, THINK OF SOMETHING TO GET OUT OF IT.
"Do you have a mattress I can sleep on for my back?"
GREAT, YOU REALLY FUCKED IT NOW. YOU JUST DUG YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.
I could hear Liz in the background making her PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT noises. I knew she hated me at that moment. She knows me way too well, she is my best friend and all. She wanted to rip my head off and shit on it. A part of me wished she would have because I knew that was a lot more appealing than the shit storm that was to come...
So we got back to Sara's house and we sneaked down into the basement. We were going to make Liz watch "Stephen King's It" because she had never seen it before and it was one of Sara and mine's favorite movies (don't you know we're like the exact same person?).
"Which mattress do you need to sleep on?" Sara asked.
"Um.... The softer one? I dunno."
"Oh okay, that's the big one that me and you can sleep on."
WOAH. WOAH. HOLD ON THERE. SAY WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF? YOU ARE A CUNT.
"Oh okay.... Liz, are you sure you don't wanna sleep with me instead?" I asked desperately.
"No, I don't like soft mattresses."
LIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. WHY?
"Oh, okay. Well then I guess it's me and you." I responded.
*****WARNING: If you're easily offended, stop reading until I say it's safe. If you actually stop reading this, then you're a pussy bitch.*****
We changed into our pajamas and turned off the lights about 20 minutes or so into the movie, it was getting late. I tried making myself as tired as possible. My heart was in my ass, my stomach was in my throat, one kidney was in my foot and the other in my brain. I was a mess. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep. Sara and I got on the mattress and before I went to lay down, I texted Sam that I missed her and I loved her...
Sara and I kept watching the movie, Liz had fallen asleep a little after we turned off the lights...
"I'm starting to fall asleep, do you mind if I turn this off?"
"No it's fine.." I responded.
(Author's note: My heart is in my throat as I'm typing this.)
We both laid down and tried to fall asleep... She was curled up on her side of the mattress and I was curled up on mine. I was wide awake. I couldn't stop tossing and turning. Butterflies were poking out of my stomach, which was still in my throat. I didn't know what to do. Do I leave a note and leave her note? Do I go and sleep in the laundry room? Maybe I should go sleep on the porch. I needed a cigarette, but it was 2 am so I couldn't sneak outside. I was stuck. I turned over to my side that was facing her and tried shutting my eyes. This is the part where I knew where I wasn't in control anymore. The train to success de-railed and landed in the river.
I inched closer and wrapped my arm around her. She didn't mind... So I started running my hand up and down her sides... Her skin was so soft, and she had these curves that you wouldn't believe. She still didn't mind.
At that point, all the butterflies flew away and I felt this sense of euphoria. It was intense. I felt like I was on the best percocet high, like I was a 12 year-old boy touching his first boob. I felt at peace for the first time that weekend.
My hands continued to travel, exploring new territory they've never explored before. I still couldn't get over how soft her skin was... I still couldn't get over how she wasn't stopping me. Why wasn't she stopping me? Did she feel the way that I feel? Or was she just crazy and knew that I couldn't resist, and she would be able to have me. Whatever it was, I went with it.
Needless to say, we didn't have sex that night, nor did we even kiss. Just some interesting exploring...
I fell asleep with my arm around her instantly. I finally felt at peace.
And then, I woke up...
"How did that go?" She asked.
"Well, she told me she had a crush on me... And I didn't kiss her."
"Wowwwwwww.... That's.... Shocking."
"Thanks. But yeah... I love Sam, and I'm not doing this to her again..."
We woke up the next day and went about our usual day. Even though I stared temptation down in the face and told it to go fuck itself, it was tormenting me. There was just something about Sara that I couldn't stay away from. I had never felt temptation this strong before. To the point where if I did anything, it would still feel right. But I couldn't do this to Sam... I had already hurt her enough in the past, she would break if I did this again. I kept texting Sam when she would text me since she was camping, I wish that I could have just talked to her all day. I knew if I was talking to her, I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Liz and I decided that we were going to hang out again that night.
"Hey! Why don't we invite Sara along??"
Shit... I didn't want to say that. Why would I want Sara to come along again? I knew it was a bad idea, but it came out like word vomit, and the damage was done.
"Okay.. Let me call her."
Fuckin' Liz. Why can't you put your foot down? You know I'm going to do something stupid. Actually, no. I won't do anything stupid at all. Not this guy, this guy has turned over a new leaf and there's nothing you can do to stop me. I'm on the fast track to success and nothing's going to get into my way.
We went to go pick up Sara and life slammed the brakes. Instantly those evil gremlins of temptation came out of hiding and continued to taunt me. Okay, if I leave this at innocent flirting, no damage will be done.
We went to Soapstone with some friends and it seemed like every word that came out of Sara's mouth was magic, even her stupid laugh that she does.
"Why don't you guys spend the night at my house?" Sara said.
.............
"Yeah, we can all sleep in the basement and that way you don't have to drive home late, Jess."
............................................................
Fuck.
My.
Life.
"Sounds like a great plan!" I said
WAIT. WHY DID I SAY THAT? THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. QUICK, THINK OF SOMETHING TO GET OUT OF IT.
"Do you have a mattress I can sleep on for my back?"
GREAT, YOU REALLY FUCKED IT NOW. YOU JUST DUG YOUR FUCKING GRAVE.
I could hear Liz in the background making her PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT noises. I knew she hated me at that moment. She knows me way too well, she is my best friend and all. She wanted to rip my head off and shit on it. A part of me wished she would have because I knew that was a lot more appealing than the shit storm that was to come...
So we got back to Sara's house and we sneaked down into the basement. We were going to make Liz watch "Stephen King's It" because she had never seen it before and it was one of Sara and mine's favorite movies (don't you know we're like the exact same person?).
"Which mattress do you need to sleep on?" Sara asked.
"Um.... The softer one? I dunno."
"Oh okay, that's the big one that me and you can sleep on."
WOAH. WOAH. HOLD ON THERE. SAY WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF? YOU ARE A CUNT.
"Oh okay.... Liz, are you sure you don't wanna sleep with me instead?" I asked desperately.
"No, I don't like soft mattresses."
LIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. WHY?
"Oh, okay. Well then I guess it's me and you." I responded.
*****WARNING: If you're easily offended, stop reading until I say it's safe. If you actually stop reading this, then you're a pussy bitch.*****
We changed into our pajamas and turned off the lights about 20 minutes or so into the movie, it was getting late. I tried making myself as tired as possible. My heart was in my ass, my stomach was in my throat, one kidney was in my foot and the other in my brain. I was a mess. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep. Sara and I got on the mattress and before I went to lay down, I texted Sam that I missed her and I loved her...
Sara and I kept watching the movie, Liz had fallen asleep a little after we turned off the lights...
"I'm starting to fall asleep, do you mind if I turn this off?"
"No it's fine.." I responded.
(Author's note: My heart is in my throat as I'm typing this.)
We both laid down and tried to fall asleep... She was curled up on her side of the mattress and I was curled up on mine. I was wide awake. I couldn't stop tossing and turning. Butterflies were poking out of my stomach, which was still in my throat. I didn't know what to do. Do I leave a note and leave her note? Do I go and sleep in the laundry room? Maybe I should go sleep on the porch. I needed a cigarette, but it was 2 am so I couldn't sneak outside. I was stuck. I turned over to my side that was facing her and tried shutting my eyes. This is the part where I knew where I wasn't in control anymore. The train to success de-railed and landed in the river.
I inched closer and wrapped my arm around her. She didn't mind... So I started running my hand up and down her sides... Her skin was so soft, and she had these curves that you wouldn't believe. She still didn't mind.
At that point, all the butterflies flew away and I felt this sense of euphoria. It was intense. I felt like I was on the best percocet high, like I was a 12 year-old boy touching his first boob. I felt at peace for the first time that weekend.
My hands continued to travel, exploring new territory they've never explored before. I still couldn't get over how soft her skin was... I still couldn't get over how she wasn't stopping me. Why wasn't she stopping me? Did she feel the way that I feel? Or was she just crazy and knew that I couldn't resist, and she would be able to have me. Whatever it was, I went with it.
Needless to say, we didn't have sex that night, nor did we even kiss. Just some interesting exploring...
I fell asleep with my arm around her instantly. I finally felt at peace.
And then, I woke up...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
They'll build a statue after us...
After the night of the party, I went back to trying to resume my own life but it wasn't that easy. I kept on wondering what I felt after that kiss, and why I felt it. I knew that I loved Sam, that I was in love with Sam, and wanted to be with Sam. I shrugged it off and tried to believe that it was just my flirtatious personality, and my love for exploring the unknown. But I still wanted to get to know her, she was just so fascinating to me and I had this feeling that there was something there to be found, something about her that I was supposed to find out about.
A week or two after the party, Sam and her family went on vacation for the weekend. I was going to miss her of course but I figured this gave me time to spend time with my friends. Liz, of course, was one of the first people to come to mind. While pondering what we were going to do, Sara came into conversation and we decided to invite her along.
God only knows what can happen in the matter of three days.
The weekend started off innocently enough; Liz, Sara, and I were going to have a great time and just fuck around and have fun. Of course there was still this constant temptation to stir up the feelings that were discovered the night of that party, but I missed Sam, and I kept that in my mind for as long as I could.
Friday night we ended up meeting up with some of my other friends. We decided to go to near-by Lake Congamond, so we would at least have somewhere to hang around and do nothing. Liz, Sara, and I went in a separate car and decided to meet them there. On the drive there we were all just joking around, and talking about random shit. One of the discussions that came up was a discussion about our favorite type of disgusting YouTube videos. Liz talked about compound fractures and Sara mentioned the videos where people have these ridiculous boils or growths and they pop them, one of my favorites of course. Of course I had to mention my all time favorites, bot fly extraction. Most people aren't aware of what a bot fly is, let alone what it does when it lays eggs insides someone's skin. As Liz asked "What's that?", Sara went "Oh. My. God." I should have known it was the end from there.
We got to Lake Congamond and continued our ridiculous conversations from there. You know those moments in the movies where there's a group of people talking but your brain tunes out everyone except one person that you're really fixated on? Yeah, it was sort of like that. I kept on repeating to myself that whatever this is, it will pass. That I couldn't do this to Sam again, I've put her through enough. I kept struggling, but I was determined I'd make it through.
After awhile, we got sick of Lake Congamond and we all decided to head back to my friend's house. When we got there, it all started out innocently enough. We were all just joking and laughing and having a great time. Then, the worst conversation came up into topic; sex. My vice, my weakness, my kryptonite. We started talking about our fetishes and other things and one of my friends, Pete, said that he was turned on by squirters. (For all of you that don't know what a squirter is, look it up.) I hear giggling from the background, I look and before I could even predict it, Sara blurts out "Well, that's funny. I'm one." "FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!", I scream out. Everybody in the room starts cracking up. For people that know me, one of my life long goals was to sleep with a squirter. Also, everybody in that room could feel the sexual tension and frustration between me and Sara all night long. "Oh God." I heard Kym say, she was right. Oh God indeed. The talk continued, I found out Sara is a masochist, I'm a sadist. She was the M to my S. But I kept on trying to ignore my growing feelings of lust and tried to suppress the butterflies from flying straight out of my mouth.
We all noticed it was close to 5 am and we decided to go our seperate ways for the night. Liz and Sara came back to my house with me, they were going to spend the night since it was so late and I didn't want Sara driving around with no sleep. We get back to my place and Sara announces that she thinks it's a good idea if she heads back home. "Why?", I asked. "I have work tomorrow and I just need to get home." I knew it was bullshit.
"Well I at least insist on walking you to your car."
"No, that's okay. Stay here."
Hmmmm...
"No seriously, I'm walking you to your car regardless."
She admitted defeat and let me walk her to her car. I walked outside with her and I told her that I had a great time with her and Liz tonight. "I have a crush on you." Time. Fucking. Froze. "....Excuse me?" "I didn't want to tell you, that's why I didn't want you walking me to the car. You have a girlfriend, I'm really sorry. Forget this ever happened. I feel better just telling you and never mentioning it ever again." I didn't know what to say, my mind was on speed and nothing made sense, but did at the same time. So I did what I do best, "Well I can't blame you. A lot of people have a thing for me. You're just one of the many." She smiled, giggled, and looked away. (Who ever knew that three of the most simplest actions would be so adorable?) "If you have a crush on me, it won't stop me from being your friend." I didn't want to lose her. If I was single at that exact moment, I would have bent her over the hood of that car and fucked her underneath the rising sun for my entire neighborhood to see. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. She smiled and said "Thanks. I'll see you soon. And remember, forget this ever happened." I agreed, I hugged her and sent her on her way. I accomplished something that night. I stared temptation down in the face and I said "FUCK YOU I WIN."
Or so I thought.
A week or two after the party, Sam and her family went on vacation for the weekend. I was going to miss her of course but I figured this gave me time to spend time with my friends. Liz, of course, was one of the first people to come to mind. While pondering what we were going to do, Sara came into conversation and we decided to invite her along.
God only knows what can happen in the matter of three days.
The weekend started off innocently enough; Liz, Sara, and I were going to have a great time and just fuck around and have fun. Of course there was still this constant temptation to stir up the feelings that were discovered the night of that party, but I missed Sam, and I kept that in my mind for as long as I could.
Friday night we ended up meeting up with some of my other friends. We decided to go to near-by Lake Congamond, so we would at least have somewhere to hang around and do nothing. Liz, Sara, and I went in a separate car and decided to meet them there. On the drive there we were all just joking around, and talking about random shit. One of the discussions that came up was a discussion about our favorite type of disgusting YouTube videos. Liz talked about compound fractures and Sara mentioned the videos where people have these ridiculous boils or growths and they pop them, one of my favorites of course. Of course I had to mention my all time favorites, bot fly extraction. Most people aren't aware of what a bot fly is, let alone what it does when it lays eggs insides someone's skin. As Liz asked "What's that?", Sara went "Oh. My. God." I should have known it was the end from there.
We got to Lake Congamond and continued our ridiculous conversations from there. You know those moments in the movies where there's a group of people talking but your brain tunes out everyone except one person that you're really fixated on? Yeah, it was sort of like that. I kept on repeating to myself that whatever this is, it will pass. That I couldn't do this to Sam again, I've put her through enough. I kept struggling, but I was determined I'd make it through.
After awhile, we got sick of Lake Congamond and we all decided to head back to my friend's house. When we got there, it all started out innocently enough. We were all just joking and laughing and having a great time. Then, the worst conversation came up into topic; sex. My vice, my weakness, my kryptonite. We started talking about our fetishes and other things and one of my friends, Pete, said that he was turned on by squirters. (For all of you that don't know what a squirter is, look it up.) I hear giggling from the background, I look and before I could even predict it, Sara blurts out "Well, that's funny. I'm one." "FFFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!", I scream out. Everybody in the room starts cracking up. For people that know me, one of my life long goals was to sleep with a squirter. Also, everybody in that room could feel the sexual tension and frustration between me and Sara all night long. "Oh God." I heard Kym say, she was right. Oh God indeed. The talk continued, I found out Sara is a masochist, I'm a sadist. She was the M to my S. But I kept on trying to ignore my growing feelings of lust and tried to suppress the butterflies from flying straight out of my mouth.
We all noticed it was close to 5 am and we decided to go our seperate ways for the night. Liz and Sara came back to my house with me, they were going to spend the night since it was so late and I didn't want Sara driving around with no sleep. We get back to my place and Sara announces that she thinks it's a good idea if she heads back home. "Why?", I asked. "I have work tomorrow and I just need to get home." I knew it was bullshit.
"Well I at least insist on walking you to your car."
"No, that's okay. Stay here."
Hmmmm...
"No seriously, I'm walking you to your car regardless."
She admitted defeat and let me walk her to her car. I walked outside with her and I told her that I had a great time with her and Liz tonight. "I have a crush on you." Time. Fucking. Froze. "....Excuse me?" "I didn't want to tell you, that's why I didn't want you walking me to the car. You have a girlfriend, I'm really sorry. Forget this ever happened. I feel better just telling you and never mentioning it ever again." I didn't know what to say, my mind was on speed and nothing made sense, but did at the same time. So I did what I do best, "Well I can't blame you. A lot of people have a thing for me. You're just one of the many." She smiled, giggled, and looked away. (Who ever knew that three of the most simplest actions would be so adorable?) "If you have a crush on me, it won't stop me from being your friend." I didn't want to lose her. If I was single at that exact moment, I would have bent her over the hood of that car and fucked her underneath the rising sun for my entire neighborhood to see. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. She smiled and said "Thanks. I'll see you soon. And remember, forget this ever happened." I agreed, I hugged her and sent her on her way. I accomplished something that night. I stared temptation down in the face and I said "FUCK YOU I WIN."
Or so I thought.
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