And the rest of the night presumed, one of the great things about my newfound “friendship” with Sara is that we had found a third person who seemed to be able to keep up with the crazy antics that Liz and I always brought. Even though my heart and my mind were at war with each other, it was easy to disconnect when we were all hanging out, because it’s easy to disconnect from the world when you’re around people who like to pretend that it doesn’t exist.
You know how they say that first kiss with that “special someone” is one of the most magical moments that you’ll ever experience? With Sara, it was sort of like that. I knew that kissing her also opened a Pandora’s Box. (Side note, I’m listening to Pandora Radio as I type this entry. Ha. Ha.) I still wish to this day that I could keep reliving that moment over and over because I’m not sure if I’ll ever have such a life altering moment again.
We were acting like little kids after we picked Liz up. Giggling and smiling, gross cute shit like that. Now if I was a normal person, and a decent human being with a soul, I could have been a little more open about things, maybe could have even gotten a few other kisses and it wouldn’t have been so frowned upon. But no, I have to make things difficult, for myself and for everyone around me (I could also join this elite club called “The People with Souls” Club, maybe.)
I’d be lying if I said that apart of me didn’t love the rush. A part of me loved leading a “double-life.” I loved the idea of having a secret. That part of me didn’t see a problem with having a girlfriend and sneaking around and getting some on the side. Which is why in the beginning I saw my thing with Sara as just a “thing” and she didn’t mean anything special to me, and tried to get those around me to believe it (Sorry.)
It was getting late, Liz decided that she was going to sleep over, which was fine and dandy, I loved it when Liz slept over. We’d stay up until 5 am and act like douche bags (not like we didn’t normally do that anyways, it’s just funnier when you’re overtired.)
“Hey, why doesn’t Sara sleep over too?” I said
…
Well, there I go again, opening my mouth. Making my own life more difficult than it has to be.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Crap.
We got back to my house and we were all going to sleep.
“I’ll sleep in the guest room.” I said. Good. I can’t fuck up this way.
“No, I’ll sleep in the guest room.” Said Liz.
LIZZZZZZZ. WHYYYYY.
“You have a bad back, I’d feel bad if you slept on that shitty pull out futon.”
“Uhh, I guess. That’s fine.”
“Or I can sleep in the guest room.” Said Sara.
Phew, crisis adverted.
“No, I like sleeping on the futon, I’ll go.”
-SLAM-
It was about 3 am as Sara and I went into my room to go to sleep. We tried keeping things as neutral as possible. Talking about life, deep philosophical shit like that.
Then came on the subject of what had happened.
“You know, I understand you.” She said.
“What do you mean?”
“I understand why you are the way you are. You’re just a fucked up girl looking for her own piece of mind. You try and make everyone but yourself happy and you love Sam, obviously. That’s why you try and make things work with her. And a part of you wants it to work, but it’s just not there. But you see how she is when you’re not with her, and you love her too much to not feel loved.”
Wow. Well then.
“I guess, I don’t know. I just feel like shit whenever shit like this happens.”
“It’s bound to happen, it’s just a Teenage Wasteland. Things won’t be the same forever.”
She was right, no they won’t.
I looked at the clock; it was 5:20 in the morning. The sun was shining through the blinds. I leant in and we kissed. And we kissed. And things got more intense. My mind was spinning, my heart was racing. I flipped her over and pinned her on the bed. I moved down and started kissing her neck. Her nails dug into my back, her body started to tense…
About a half an hour later, we were fast asleep. Her body was wrapped around mine, her head lying on my shoulder. And it was the first time in awhile I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
